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Good news, grateful heart.

April 4, 2013

After months of testing, I finally got the news I was praying for. Benign, benign, the tumor was benign. What a huge relief! As I approach my four year anniversary as a cancer survivor the last thing I wanted was another reason to celebrate another anniversary.I decided that because of the news, I was going to attend my midweek church services. Part of me felt kind of guilty. Did I want to go because I got the results I had hoped and prayed for? I didn’t typically attend midweek services, partly because for the last several years my husband and I and another couple have faithfully watched Survivor together and when it switched from Thursday nights to Wednesday nights, I followed right along. I justified this because my husband is a very hard working man and typically did not get home in time to attend midweek services. So I had to decide, stop this fun tradition that I shared with my husband and friends, or give that up and keep going to church when I knew my husband would not be able to join me. I chose the latter and I don’t believe God thinks any less of me for doing so. But I found myself wondering, would I have wanted to go, would I have still been grateful, would I still have appreciated all the blessings in my life if God had answered my prayer differently? It’s a wonder, I really can’t say. I know that prayers change things, but I also know that God is ultimately the decision maker. And that if it is not his will, if he has better plans, that’s the way it’s going to work. I sometimes feel frustrated by prayer, it’s confusing to me at times. I do feel it strengthens the bond between God and myself and it strengthens the bond between myself and others when we pray together, but when there are two people, who both have cancer, and one is spared and the other is not, and they both have been prayed for and loved by others equally, why does one survive and the other pass. It’s too big for me to conceive. When I pray, I pray with the knowledge that no matter what the answer is, I’m still going to love God, and trust him. There have been too many events in my life that have proven to be worth trusting God. I can honestly say that through my toughest trials is when I have gotten closest to God. I can also say that I don’t necessarily feel he has changed my circumstance but I can say that I felt him gesturing with an outstretched arm, and saying “get over here girl, it’s gonna get a little bumpy soon”. I am grateful for that and the relationship I have with him. So I continue to pray, out of obedience, out of fellowship, out of trust and out of love. I continue to believe and live by the motto, that Father knows best.

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