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September 10, 2018

“Expectations are a funny thing…sometimes they surpass your greatest dreams, sometimes they crush them. Both remind us that God is still in control.” I had written that statement many years ago when we were going through a really turbulent time with our son. By turbulent, I mean volatile, life threatening, polarizing kind of stuff. I was angry with God and fought with Him on a daily basis. “Fix him!” I would scream. “How can it not be the best way to glorify Yourself, but to fix him?” I couldn’t understand it, I still don’t. My prayer became if you won’t fix him, then please keep him alive until he figures it out.

We felt like we were on an island, we were full of shame because we believed our son’s struggles were some how created by choices we had made, things we did or did’t do. That was a lie straight from the devil, but it served his purpose. It kept us isolated, out of church and fearful of sharing what we were going through with almost anyone. I did ask strangers to pray for him though, anyone that I could hold captive for 3 or more minutes would hear some version of what we were going through and I would ask them to pray for him. I was searching for someone that God loved enough to answer their prayer. I thought that God didn’t answer my prayers, not because he knew what was best for us, but because he didn’t love me enough to answer my prayer. I was convinced that I was un-lovable. That was another lie the enemy used to paralyze me.

I was convinced that he would never be “fixed.” I was standing in the yard one day picking up sticks and flinging them into the woods as I was having another heated conversation with my heavenly Father. I asked him how he would feel if I turned my back on him, and made him feel alone and abandoned, and in the voice you can only hear inside your head, His response was “If you turned your back on me, I would just spoon you from behind, I would hug you and hold you and never let you go, just like I always have and always will”.

I knew he was right. I just wanted to be angry at someone that would let me get it away with it. I was just another person in this ungrateful world using Christ as a whipping post.

Fast forward a decade and I’m standing in my yard, with our son. He has overcome more obstacles than I’ve ever had to face, he is helping us spread mulch, telling us about his weekend and about the house he’ll be renting soon. I can’t help but think about that quote about expectations again. Only this time, they have surpassed my greatest dreams. He was kept alive until he figured it out. He still has a few demons he’s chasing down and We still prayer for him earnestly but he is a better man than we thought we’d ever live to see. God is good, all the time, yes ALL the time.

As a side note, I did have to have some come to Jesus moments myself, like asking for my own forgiveness for ever doubting God’s love for me, and forgiveness for doubting that He knew what was best for us and that it was my son’s free will (as he had told us many times himself) not God’s lack of doing something that put him where he was.

There were many days I knew God was spooning me, hugging me from my back turned away from him and I’m so grateful he did. Expectations are a peculiar thing indeed. I have learned it is better to expect “great things” and be wrong, then to expect “crushing things” and be right.



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